Challenges

In the past month I have been working towards a project where I am both the subject and film director. It is hard. It is hard to schedule my times within a very busy week. It is hard to both record the scenes and be in them, while trying to enjoy myself and bring something valuable to the film. I feel so confused on what to do and how to approach the topic: should I explain why I am making this film? Or should I just leave it to the public's own interpretation? And if I do open up about the motives behind this film, how much should I open up? How can I deliver such a delicate topic? Am I really ready to expose myself like that? I am scared to expose myself like that. Everything seems black and fuzzy right now. Everything takes such an incredible amount of energy to be done. I am exhausted. I am exhausted to be by myself always, I am tired of thinking so much, I am tired of working so hard. I find it really hard to go to lesson every week, especially now that the editing sessions have started, being in such a small room and staring at a computer screen for so long is driving me crazy. I hate the editing and for some reason I struggle to retain the concepts and I am slow to put them to practice. I think that this is due to the fact that I was raised to think that I am no good at technology and due to my personal preferences: I love being outdoors, large spaces, human connection and talking as opposed to small and indoor spaces, screens and technology. But I keep turning up to classes, I do my best to understand the instructions and learning new things makes me happy, I keep smiling and enjoying my time here as much as I can. This is part of the journey and I know that I can do it.